Home > Uncategorized > Not exactly “Intellectual Property”, am I right?

Not exactly “Intellectual Property”, am I right?

This is a spiritual parody of the classic Daily Victim series, “GameSpy’s daily tribute to the millions of fine people who populate Internet culture.”

These days, World of Warcraft is big business. I hear that someone crunched the numbers, and the Azerothian Gold Piece is a stronger currency than Japanese Yen or some shit. I don’t know, ‘cus I’ve never been to Japan, and I never plan to. I mean, maybe when they get fast and cheap Gryphon service to get there, I’ll get over to my nearest real life flight master and hop over. I mean, people complain about how long it takes to fly the length of Kalimdor, but it’s really like an entire continent in, what, ten minutes?

As my boss always says, “That’s progress, my friends.”

Of course, that was his pitch for this new business he’s roped me into. “See”, he says to me, “Bob,”, that’s me, “Grade A hucksters have been raking in the dough on fiscal idiots for years with rent-to-own schemes, on trivial bullshit. You ever seen someone make a down payment on a toaster oven? ‘Course not. Well, I have. The desperation is palpable. Almost as palpable as the cold hard cash they fork over for it.”

But, he figures, the real world business on renting to own is pretty much locked down by corporate giants, so it’s time to expand the business: to a whole new World. I think you know where this is going. Renting-to-own WoW characters and items.

Where other sites get the face value of a level 70 Affliction Lock in Tier 5 for the actual value of the character, we can get 20%-40% more, in interest alone. You see, the business actually got started in the early days of WoW, when the boss used to run a casino in a corner of the Ironforge War district. It was kinda like those Three-Card Monte schemes you see on the streets sometimes. And you can guess which guy I got to be: the one with all the macros pretending to win it big to pull in the suckers. O’course, I also had to keep an eye peeled for GMs, so that if we got spotted, he could teleport with the cash to Darnassus before they got wise. After about 20 banned accounts, and the prohibition of the casinos, the boss decided to angle for some bigger fish.

And I still get the hard job. See, just like any arrangement with giving deadbeats stuff on credit, there’s always someone what has to collect the goods when the contract gets tossed out like vendor trash. I did some looking, but I’m pretty sure I’m running the premier digital Repo Depot.

There’s usually two stages to a repossession: the fun part and the suicide-provoking part. See, the easiest way to persuade these idiots is usually with force: it works for the mob, it works for the NSA, and it works for us. Just grab one of the characters that we have up for sale on the same server as the deadbeat to be collected from, but on the other side of the decades-old in-game blood feud, and hunt the cheater down. It’s usually half an hour or so of kicking him around the map, until he gives up and logs off. That’s when it becomes kind of like those stakeouts from cop movies: just sitting there, waiting for him to log back in and keep playing. Within 48 hours or so of this, I’ve usually got the character or item or whatever back, and he’s so mentally beaten down that he’ll never steal even so much as the next free Nine Inch Nails record.

But every once in a while, you get a tough one: he never leaves town, he never logs on, whatever. Basically, he steals the boss’s stuff and then don’t even use it. This is where I have to start the part of the job that makes me want to take up parachute-less skydiving. See, now I’ve got to try and social engineer Blizzard Customer Service to get the stuff back.

And, let’s be clear here: these guys are slothful to aid legitimate saps who’ve been hacked because they got a keylogger from viewing porn on a copy of Windows 98 running Internet Explorer 5 and then immediately booted up WoW. So trying to weasel your way around and trick them into doing what you want, instead of just telling the truth is kind of like lassoing a zebra. While riding another zebra.

Well, now that’s a new career opportunity that hadn’t occurred to me before…

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